those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
