I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
