imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
