Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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