dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
