oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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