wat bout pragnant strippers??
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
