My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
