I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize