New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
