Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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