Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
