After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
