After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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