the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
