There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
