Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
