I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
