i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
