I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
