why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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