Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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