he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
