you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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