just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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