Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
