i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Vodka?
Forever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
