i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize