Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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