Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
