that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
