guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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