now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
