sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
His hands were made for my vagina.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
