I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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