Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
