I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
