I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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