So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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