I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
