She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
