id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
