census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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