I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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