i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
