porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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