Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The Olympian is in my bed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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