im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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