I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
