I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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