my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I need a beard to bite.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
