Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
