the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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