All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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