my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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